College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
