i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
