my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
