my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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