before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My bed smells like the plague
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