My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
