to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
