i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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