tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
