The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
pray to the hookup gods
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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