it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Bring me that man meat
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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