Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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