We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize