If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
