She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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