This is not my ceiling
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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