I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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