1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
