Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
