he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Oh god it's open bar.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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