JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
