i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
