i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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