This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Bring me that man meat
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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