Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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