Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
