Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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