weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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