so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
