if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I need water and some morals
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
