I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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