I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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