Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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