Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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