Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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