I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
