She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
