His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
