he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
