I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
