When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
