Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
