her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
