low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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