It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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