I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
vagina is talking i cant
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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