Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
