I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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