I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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