honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
