I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
