Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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