Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
