so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
