Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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