he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
