I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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